Retrospective Redux
A bit over a year ago, I wrote Retrospective, which was partly a reflection on what 2018 had been for me, and partly an exploration of the interplay between resilience, confidence and failure. Re-reading it now, through the lens of 2019, I’m pleased to find that I took my own advice (for once), and largely YOLO-d my way through the year. Sometimes, it worked out spectacularly well — others, not so much. I went all-in for something big and audacious that I really wanted* and although I came close, I failed to land it. It hurt, and left me questioning myself and my abilities. Was I as good as I thought I was? Was the decision unfair? I concluded that I needed to change, to try harder, and have another go.
It took a conversation with a great coach I know before I could start to reframe this failure as not a failure at all. The opportunity had not been the right one for me, and that was no reflection on my personality, or my skills, or anything else about me — I am just fine as I am, it simply wasn’t a good fit.
Of course, it took me bumping my head against the same wall a few more times before this really sank in, but by the end of the year, I accepted that although ‘winning’ doesn’t always look like I think it will, it is winning nonetheless. I also realised that some things really cannot be changed and that is absolutely ok. I am finally learning the art of letting go of things that no longer serve me.
This all adds another interesting dimension when thinking about resilience — it’s really not the same as dogged determination and persistence at all costs. To be resilient is to allow ourselves space for learning, adapting and changing direction when things don’t go as we want them to (or even when they do). Too often, we feel shame when we ‘fail’ at something, and that can drive us to repeat the same actions or behaviours in the belief that if we can just try harder or do better, we’ll definitely succeed this time. Achieving The Goal becomes all-consuming and we lose sight of why we are even pursuing it, or what alternatives might be available to us.
It takes a certain amount of self-confidence to roll with those kinds of punches and accept a reality that just doesn’t match what we (think we) want or need. We might worry about how it looks to others, that we are giving up at the first hurdle — getting back on the horse only to wheel round and gallop off down a different path takes some bravery. But being able to take a dispassionate, clear-eyed look at what is serving you and what isn’t, and use that to make some different choices will get you closer to where you need to be than relentlessly hammering on the same closed doors.
Last year, my mantra was “fall down nine times, get up ten”, and it served me well, all told. This year, I’ll still be getting back up as many times as I need to, but I won’t be kicking myself while I’m down — and I’ll be watching out for healthy tenacity tipping over into stubbornness.
*Or thought I wanted, anyway.
